A Love Letter to Differences

A Love Letter to Differences

I slip on a gift from my partner Jim… a green reflective vest with the little flashlight in its pocket. We live near a state park and rush hour traffic on the road I walk along to reach it each evening is fierce. He wants the cards stacked in my favor.

When asked to write our “love” story, of how a relationship between 2 very different people can work, we both panicked. What did we know about love? Then, I thought of the green vest, and how much appreciation I feel for the man who gave it to me, of his concern for my well-being. As good a start as any.

I didn’t always feel this gratitude. I was angry, resentful, fearful, and depressed for many years. Not good ground for marriage. His second. My third. Our karma kept us together but it wasn’t a lot of fun.
Gradually, we both changed. We began to move past old stories about each other. We began to have the courage to give each other the space to be ourselves, and to appreciate the joy that comes from seeing someone really enjoy what they are doing and not feel that you must do it too, no matter how little joy it gives you. Now, I don’t feel I must go to museums or Shakespeare! What freedom!! I’d be lying if I didn’t admit that I still feel some guilt about this, but usually don’t let it rule me. Same for Jim.

We were able to evolve because of the dharma. It has been extremely instrumental in gradually changing our attitudes towards each other. If all I’m experiencing is coming from my mind, how can I blame Jim?(Well, I can, but it’s a work in progress, no?) This has been a great destroyer of resentment for both of us.

This truth has softened our hearts, making it possible for two very different folks to live and grow emotionally and spiritually, to let us take chances in speaking our truths, in learning not to feel as afraid or attacked when issues arise.

I used to feel that marriage was like 2 rocks in a tumbler beating the rough edges off each other if they didn’t crack in the process. but now, after 22 years with Jim I feel it’s a much more an alchemical process, a melting of individual egos into a space where our true natures can show themselves. It’s the softening of our hearts towards each other, of delight and appreciation for what we are alone and with each other, in our commonality. As Rumi wrote…whatever you love you are.